It’s just too much right now, Christmas is coming and that’s hard enough. I feel like I’m in a pressure cooker the weight of it all is just too much. I can’t face writing cards, not that I don’t want too, but the ones I no longer write weigh heavy on my soul.
Estrangement was the only solution to allow me to deal with my past but at this time of year it hurts all over again.
The people who have passed on, those who were my family of choice, now also absent.
Memories of those fearfilled Christmases rise up again and I feel lost and alone.
For 25 years I have fought myself to keep going, to live in spite of the pain.
And today I wonder why, why as a 12 year old girl, I decided to keep going. And I wonder now if I can still keep going, if I have the energy and the will anymore.
If I could just get one day when it didn’t hurt, so I could think clearly, one day, is that too much to ask?