Closer

I don’t know where the summer went, busyness as a strategy for avoiding stuff is probably a reasonable assessment.

Therapy has been tough, not the content but the effort of avoiding stuff. It slipped out a few weeks ago, that I mostly think about what not to say in therapy. And now he has confronted that. I want to get better but to do that he says I ‘have to share more’, that I have to talk about the difficult stuff. I wonder if he knows already, those things I haven’t said yet? I think he might, but that doesn’t make it easier.

I need to let him closer, but I don’t think I can, I have always kept something back, always. Call it what you like, an exit route, a safety net, whatever.

I am scared, terrified – my choice then, as I see it,  is to work through it or to walk away.

He already knows more than anyone else, so how much of myself do I have to share, how much more? I can’t talk about this stuff, I need to be well enough and sane enough to manage – why can’t he understand that?

And all of it was their fault, they did this to me – so why do I have to struggle so much just because they couldn’t love me, because they couldn’t find a way to keep me safe, to help me grow? She attacked me, constantly, and he did nothing. And nothing will ever make up for that, nothing.

So why should I even try to get better?

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2 thoughts on “Closer

  1. maggiejay64 says:

    No one can ever tell you what to do but I remember the struggle you are sharing. I have shared stuff with my therapist that I never imagined I would. It was long and painful but my life is soooo much better today because I did. It took me several years in therapy to even be able to make eye contact so what I would do is write out my thoughts. I would share my writing with him sometimes he read it quietly then we progressed to me reading it out loud. It took some of the stress away because I didn’t have to spend the whole session in my head thinking if I share this then what….i can say for sure you should continue to try and get better because you are worth it. Your future is about who you are as a person and not who they tried to make you be. I wish you well!

  2. Ben Naga says:

    “So why should I even try to get better?” Really, only you need to find the answer to that question.

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