For a long time I have been trying to figure out what it is about me that is flawed. But then even if I am flawed she was supposed to love me. That’s what being a parent is.
She never tried, even when I finally got the courage to cut contact, she played a few games and then they just cut me out of everything. It is beginning to occur to me that that is not about my flaws and failures.
And if that is not about me then maybe all the rest of it – those years of being attacked – maybe that wasn’t about me either……
I’m not ready to accept that yet. Or to belive that how I am is ok. I should be able to cope, to be better, but maybe that doesn’t have to be about her.
I wish my craziness would go away, that I could managed these feelings, that just for one little moment I could be ok.