It’s been a while since I posted. My new job has changed things. Finally realising that much of what added to my stress and anxiety was not about me. In my new job I can be me and it’s welcomed. It’s a real joy to find that who I am is OK.
It’s changed therapy too, more time to think about the things from before, from when I was small. More energy to understand how things impacted on me, to begin to acknowledge the anger and sadness I feel deep inside.
I’m not ready to accept that there wasn’t something I could have done to change the things that happened. I’m not ready to accept that I’m not crazy.
My therapist suggested I try less diagnosis and more formulation in understanding myself, he may be right – in my work I avoid diagnosis with my clients, but for me it is different and it will always be that way until I understand what I should have done to fix things, to stop what happened, to make it so she would love me. I need to know what it is in me that is wrong, because then it will all make sense, and maybe it’s not to late to fix it………