I don’t want to write about this

I don’t want to write about this.

I don’t want to write about this because I am frightened by the depth of these feelings.

I hate it when people tell me to take care of myself, I nod, I say that I will but inside I hate those words. It rouses a powerful anger, a childish rage. After all I have always had to take care of myself. In a literal sense it has been the case since I was 9, but before then too.

Yes there were people who helped but it was never consistent or secure.  When it came to it, all I had was my cupboard where I hid in with my cuddly toys, often afraid to even breath.

Those rare times when I did share a tiny bit of my suffering it would always get back to mother. I risked it twice, and twice I was promised that nothing bad would happen and twice they told her.

And mother told them that I was fragile, overly sensitive, with an active imagination, that I read to many books, that I was just looking for attention. Both times they bought it. Both times she punished me.

That’s how I learned never to trust people. At least not with the important stuff. I learned to hide myself deep inside, to live a silent life. The I that I was became mute.

And yes I have a good life now, but it is a half life, watched by that silent part where my unexpressed anger and unshed tears reside.

I don’t want to write about this, but I see her deep inside, I feel her, she is frightened and alone, and I can’t help her, I don’t know how.

I resent the depth of her neediness, I hate the way she craves comfort, the way she squirms inside my mind desperate for acknowledgement, I hate the way her tiny voice leaks out through mine, incoherent and full of uncontrollable emotions.  I hate the way her eyes look at me in the mirror, full of the betrayal of the many people that left her, left her in that cold and brutal place.

I don’t want to write about this but I guess I left her too.

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10 thoughts on “I don’t want to write about this

  1. i feel every word of this. caring for that little girl inside is SOOO hard to do. especially when everyone in our world taught us not to. I hear you. I hear every word of this.

  2. Ben Naga says:

    You do not have to save her. That unendurable time has passed now. Give her what you can in the present; a safe place within your heart, a place of acceptance where you may you come to comfort each other and then, replenished, go out to deal with the world.

  3. Wow, I don’t even know what to say….what a powerful post. Wishing you peace.

  4. I can really understand this. It’s such a hard place to be. Much love to you xx

  5. maggiejay64 says:

    I can identify with being angry when people say to take care of myself. I have come to understand that for me I had to live life without her in order for either of to survive to adulthood. Then when I “grew up” emotionally as well as physically I was able to go back and be the grown up we both needed. Great post!

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