It’s been an enlightening weekend. Following a few difficult weeks full of anxiety my Therapist suggested I ‘do something to look after yourself this weekend – doesn’t matter what as long as it’s just for you’. Well therein lies a minefield, one I was totally unaware of.
Well OK, I thought, that’s easy enough, I just have to remember to do something. But when I really started to think about it I got stuck – seems that though I do things I enjoy – cooking, making things, etc. I can only let myself do these things if there is a reason outside of myself. Cooking for the family, making things for friends and family, and worse than that, when I really thought about it, it turns out I don’t really enjoy some of the things I do as much as I had thought, I just like the way they make others feel.
We also discussed things I didn’t need to do (chores etc.) and while I did resist the urge to clean this weekend, I now feel very very guilty about it – I said I would and I do.
There it is, I can do fun things, but only if it’s what someone else wants to do or if I can do it for someone else.
Now I’m stuck with a whirling question of what I would do if I could do absolutely anything and I can’t answer that question, because there is no way to know what the answer should be.
Back to the endless perfectionist cycle of ‘I don’t know what is right so I can’t make a decision’.
Stuck in stucky stuckness, how depressing….