Doing something that is just for me…..

It’s been an enlightening weekend. Following a few difficult weeks full of anxiety my Therapist suggested I ‘do something to look after yourself this weekend – doesn’t matter what as long as it’s just for you’. Well therein lies a minefield, one I was totally unaware of.

Well OK, I thought, that’s easy enough, I just have to remember to do something. But when I really started to think about it I got stuck – seems that though I do things I enjoy – cooking, making things, etc. I can only let myself do these things if there is a reason outside of myself. Cooking for the family, making things for friends and family, and worse than that, when I really thought about it, it turns out I don’t really enjoy some of the things I do as much as I had thought, I just like the way they make others feel.

We also discussed things I didn’t need to do (chores etc.) and while I did resist the urge to clean this weekend, I now feel very very guilty about it – I said I would and I do.

There it is, I can do fun things, but only if it’s what someone else wants to do or if I can do it for someone else.

Now I’m stuck with a whirling question of what I would do if I could do absolutely anything and I can’t answer that question, because there is no way to know what the answer should be.

Back to the endless perfectionist cycle of ‘I don’t know what is right so I can’t make a decision’.

Stuck in stucky stuckness, how depressing….

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6 thoughts on “Doing something that is just for me…..

  1. underfrog says:

    I’m working on this myself! Trying to find “me” apart from my job, or apart from who I am to other people. It’s actually kind of scary in a way, because sometimes it feels like there’s no substance – like, what *do* I like to do? Who am I, really? Do I even really exist apart from other people’s judgments? ….It is a tricky thing!

  2. Ben Naga says:

    It sounds as though you are finding out some important things about the way your mind and feelings work. Even if it may at times be an uncomfortable exercise it is another step forward in your journey.

    I don’t know if this would work for you, but a trick that I use successfully is this. When my head tells me that I “should” do something, I say (either internally or out loud if no one’s around πŸ™‚ ) I “could” whatever-it-is. It gets me back in the driving seat and gives me back my power. Even if I do whatever-it-is I’m doing it because I chose to do it rather than under compulsion. Sometimes I don’t do it right then but at a time of my choosing. Sometimes I decide I don’t really need or want to do it at all. Just a thought.

  3. ‘Stuck in stucky stuckness’ by far my favorite line of the day.

    I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here. realizing that the things you enjoy, you really enjoy because other people enjoy them, but not necessarily because YOU do. so confusing at times. When we become so used to putting others needs first, we sometimes forget what our needs even are. Glad I stumbled upon this. take care of yourself πŸ™‚

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