Anguish

Anxiety, it’s always there in the background, I worry all the time about every possible thing, and indeed every impossible thing and it’s exhausting.

The last week has been full of anxiety and worry for no rational reason, well maybe a couple of rational reasons, but mostly the worry is irrational.

I used to be able to control the anxiety to make it go away to disappear but these days nothing works, it just comes and overwhelms me. It’s not an existential angst, I have very few fears about death or of being alone, it’s more a deep seated anguish that twists me into knots and makes doing anything about it impossible.

It is however very cruel and sometimes feels endless, I know it passes, to be replaced by the next group of worries, if I’m lucky I get a few days relatively worry free, but this is rare, if my mind is not occupied with current anxieties it reverts to things from my past, often long distant and irrelevant, sometimes the worries come from the painful times in my past, but mostly they are things I did wrong, or things I imagine that I did wrong or that I should have done better.

I’m tired of feeling like this I don’t want to accept that this is how it is, I want to stop having these ridiculous fears and anxieties, to stop being a crazy person.

It’s not been a good week 😦

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