Hopeless

Well it was bound to happen, I was expecting it, but the impact, that I hadn’t prepared for.

As of today I am to all intense and purpose an orphan. Don’t get me wrong, they are still alive, but they have cut me out of their life. I knew this would come, but somehow I feel cheated. Cheated of the opportunity to call them on the stuff that happened when I was small.

In some ways it’s better this way, now there is no route back, no chance of an adult relationship with them – I am in many ways liberated. Liberated to ‘come out’ to say openly what happened. No more need to keep up appearances. And yet it’s the ultimate of rejections, there have been many in my life time, but it’s only recently I recognised them.

This could of course be one final desperate ‘head f***’, if it is, it has worked. I have no need to keep my name any more, it means nothing. I have been well and truly abandoned.

Does this mean my life has been meaningless, it feels like it, so many years desperate for the approval and love that any child needs, so many years wasted trying to be what she wanted me to be, so many years trying and failing as goal post moved constantly, the physical stuff I could handle, the emotional stuff runs deep, I am scarred, damaged, broken.

Life feels hopeless today, why keep fighting to stay sane, to stay alive, what is left….

And to top it all she still cannot see what she did.

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4 thoughts on “Hopeless

  1. brokenbutbeingrepaired says:

    Am sorry it’s feeling so hopeless, right now.
    Just hope you’re able to see that, by surviving…you’re succeeding in surviving what they did to you.

    Their inability to accept the harm caused and the damage that was done, unfortunately it’s another hallmark of abusers.

    Really hope things improve for you soon. Thinking of you.

  2. Ben Naga says:

    Trite it may be
    Yet this too shall pass
    We can even assist in its passing
    We cannot change the unchangeable out there
    What we can come to learn to change however
    Is our own reaction to the unchangeable
    You are in the end the one who holds the ace
    Play it and the game is over and you win

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