Sadness

It’s that time of year, when peeps everywhere get all happy and jolly. For me Christmas is not too bad. It was the one time of year when things were a bit better, perhaps because my dad was around to stop my mother’s awfulness, perhaps because she made it about her, thus supplying her extreme narcissism in a way that made it OK for us. It wasn’t a care free time, but if we were quiet and good and didn’t make a mess then at least it was better than normal.

Nowadays Christmas is more about what I have lost, and what I never had. My husband bought me a Christmas jumper at the weekend, and I cried, I’ve never had one before, he says that just sums up how awful things must have been.

I wish things had been different, and I am sad (and angry) that they were the way they were, I wonder all the time what I could have done to make it better, to make her different, to make her love me, but I don’t know if there is an answer to that.

On one day I ‘should have been a boy’, on another I wasn’t ‘a proper girl’, I’m not sure that I could have been anything, or done anything to make a difference to how she was, to how she is, but I still feel like I should have been able to figure it out, to make it better.

I just wish I could have fixed it, somehow.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Sadness

  1. plf1990 says:

    This post really touched my heart. I know these feelings. Thinking of you. Merry Christmas x

  2. Ben Naga says:

    Do not despair. With time and effort , while not forgotten, can be vitiated. Enjoy your Christmas.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s