Balance sheet

Apparently I’m not crazy, I guess that means I do a good job of hiding it.

But here is a little taster of the crazy that lives inside me, that I struggle with every day.

Keeping things in balance is hard, every day since I was young, I hear a voice that that tells me the world would be better off without me, that no one wants to be around me, that I make people miserable by just existing, that it’s unfair to make people spend time with me. And so everyday before I go to sleep I have to check the balance sheet – the bad things I do, against the good things – most days the bad outweighs the good, but I can wipe off some of the bad by punishing myself which means that it just about equals out. My sleep is fraught with bad dreams of what it will mean on the day I can no longer make it balance, and with a decision to try and stop hurting myself, my ability to balance things is increasingly limited, that day when the bad things are more than the good things is coming, and I don’t know what to do.

Supper cooked wrong, washing up not done or worse, done by someone else, loosing my temper, drawing unnecessary attention to myself in public, failing to get something right, sometimes not even knowing if something was right, getting emotional and loosing control and on and on – the bad stuff is endless.

The day is coming when I won’t be able to balance the bad with the good, and that day terrifies me.

And there it is a little glimpse of my crazy – just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there people!

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2 thoughts on “Balance sheet

  1. I hope you can come to a place where you notice what is beautiful and hold onto it. I know some days it’ll be for dear life. Thank you for the follow. I hope you enjoy a measure of inspiration or blessing, my spirit to yours.

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