It’s not enough that I have a crazy brain, I now have a massive and very painful flare-up of my long term condition.
This means two things – I am even less able to think straight and I am faced with having to go back on some medication ‘for a while’ whatever that means.
Spent most of yesterday being cross (perhaps raging would be more accurate) about my body letting me down, frankly it’s boring, boring to talk about and boring to think about.
So I will shortly go and pick up the meds. I refused pain killers, that’s to much of a slippery slope, but the doc is right, I have to take the anti-inflammatory pills and give my body a ‘helping hand’ to get through this flare up. I have managed over four years without medication and it feels like a big step back. So I will try them for a week and see where I am.
The question of what caused it remains, it’s the worst flare up I have had for about 5 years. Is it a substantial change in my condition? That’s a possibility. Is it linked to the stress and anxiety I feel? Again a possibility, but the reality, the thing I didn’t share with the doc or my therapist, is that I think the cause is that I am not fighting it any more, I am no longer in control.
The inevitable outcome of not being so hard on myself is the breakdown of my body, I have always had pain to some degree, since the condition came on when I was younger, but I willed it away, I willed it not to affect my life, and now my brain is broken and I can’t hold it back any more – unacknowledged physical pain (and yes emotional pain too) have manifested themselves in a breakdown of my ability to function.
I knew this would happen, ‘don’t be so hard on yourself’ he said, ‘give yourself a break’ he said, blah, blah, blah. Well I did, but I told you this would happen, and now it has.
Angry, broken, me – and yes I do know I should tell him how I feel, I just don’t want too 😦