It’s going to be a rant, it may not make sense but it’s what is in my head……
So yes I have felt utterly rubbish this last few weeks, and it’s horrid, and yes I know I have to be kinder to myself, do things to look after myself and nurture the little part of me, have some compassion for myself, blah, blah, etc….. I know this, I do, honestly.
I know, but I don’t want to, I just don’t.
I have looked after myself since I was very small, I wasn’t even in double figures when I started looking after myself, no one else was going to, so I didn’t have a choice, but it seems I didn’t do a good enough job, and now I’m stuck with a horrid harsh voice in my head that just constantly reminds me that I am not good enough, at anything, ever.
It’s not all bad, I think without that voice, I wouldn’t have done anything with my life, I wouldn’t have managed to pick myself up after I was raped as a teenager, I wouldn’t have managed to work and study at the same time, with no one to support me, financially or otherwise, I wouldn’t have got back to work again when the doctor told me it was unlikely I would walk again (he was wrong by the way). Without that voice I would be in a very different place and as far as I can figure it wouldn’t be a good place.
I’m fed up too, with reading and hearing that ‘unless you care about yourself, you can’t care about other people’ and the related variations that go around. I reject that view, it makes me angry. It’s because I know how that voice feels, because I know that humanity is flawed and that just getting through one day, one hour even, can be an almost impossible task, because I know this, because I live this, I can and do care about and for others.
And just so we are clear, yes people need to be gentle with themselves, to forgive themselves and nurture their little parts, but that’s other people not me. I learned very young that the little part of me was not welcome, and so I sent it away, and I don’t need it back, I don’t.
Goodness I’m angry today, so very angry. Grrr!