It’s stormy outside and stormy inside my head today, in the garden the Japanese garden, the first thing we built when we moved here, has been squashed by a fallen tree – it’s impossible to see what damage has been done, and it’s not safe to go down there to check until the winds die down a bit – there are a lot if trees!
My tranquil, place in the garden is damaged and in parallel there is no where in my head where I can get respite from the horrible, harsh thoughts. And they are bad, they have been for the whole weekend. Going round and round in my head.
The edited highlights:
If they knew what a fraud you are they wouldn’t want you. you are a terrible person, you don’t know what your doing, if they could see inside, if ……
The voice in my head is so loud it says I am a pointless a waste of space, that I can never do enough to fix the bad inside me, that it will never go away. Never.
It feels like there is no end to the things that voice says to me, every tiny mistake is magnified, every attempt to have a normal life is ridiculed (why do you even bother trying you stupid girl).
I don’t like feeling like this, and honestly, I just don’t know what to do…….
Storms do pass, I know that, but they leave so much damage behind, and I don’t know if I have the will power to try and fix it, the garden or myself……