It’s been an anxious few days – no particular reason but it’s been there.
Today the anxiousness has been milder but I am left with a deep sense of loneliness. I spent much of my childhood alone, it was safer that way, and I think this is an echo from the past. I have friends and my husband around so I am not alone but I often feel lonely.
At work as a senior manager it is frequently lonely and that is worse just now with all the challenges we, , like other companies, are facing. I read a blog about women in business this morning, that talked about the loneliness that many women feel so maybe it’s not just me.
At home, I see friends occasionally, they mostly live a long way away, so visits are planned and scheduled. My husband is around but I don’t see him that often, he is busy at work and with his hobbies. He is a quiet man, content with his own company, and that works for us most of the time. But today, while I am not alone, I feel a deep sense of loneliness.
In therapy we are still focussed on me being kinder to myself, my therapist is keen for me to see that this would be a good thing, though I am still fighting it. I get that being kind to oneself is important, but in my head that is for other people and I find myself frustrated that he doesn’t get it, that he doesn’t see that.
I have managed to avoid hurting myself for a couple of weeks now, even with the anxiety, I think about it, but I guess there is a part of me that knows it’s not a good strategy not in the long term anyway.
Maybe these feelings of anxiousness and today’s loneliness are here because I haven’t hurt myself to make them go away.
I don’t know, but I don’t feel like I am in a good place at the moment……..