Many thoughts on my mind today, none of them clear but perhapse some gentle noodling here that may help me work it out….
As I wrote about in a previous post ‘Starfish’, I was struck at the time with the thought that I have lived my life in sections, with limited continuity, but even within my somewhat deliberate attempts to move on (perhaps when I think people might get to close to working out that I am not a nice person), there are people that have remained constant. It’s mainly down to them that we have stayed in touch, they have persistently refused to back off, despite my best attempts, and without exception, I am deeply grateful that they have managed to stay in my life.
Whether it was the events of the summer that forced me to revisit much of my childhood, or maybe the time in my therapy journey is just right, or perhaps a bit of both, but I am starting to see things differently, to see some connections that have run throughout my life. I still struggle to feel any connection to myself as a small child, but things from my late teenage years are feeling more real at the moment, and having done some work in therapy to understand where one of my big difficulties comes from, I think I am at the start of a thread that will lead me the length of my life, if I choose to follow it.
I am very aware that I don’t want to go back to some of it, but the one thing above all else that I want is just to have a coherent story of my young life, it’s still so very foggy in places, but in others it is becoming clearer. Of course I’d like to do that without having to work through the feelings, but that is probably a cowards wish, and when it comes to feelings I am a coward.
It’s such an evil thing, it causes us so much pain as children, that we learn to ignore it, detach from it, or whatever, but then in later life have to face it all over again – the double whamy of abuse, those that victimise the helpless and vulnerable really do have so much to answer for and maybe one day I will hold them to account, but that day is not today, today I want to know my story, so that I can begin to know who I am.