My therapist says it almost every session something about me being hard on myself. I guess I am wondering whether it’s true, and if it is, what it might be like if I wasn’t so hard on myself. I think it might be nice but I don’t really notice when I’m doing it – it seems normal to me…..
I wonder how someone with my experiences could ever be anything but hard on themselves, there is so much I think I should have done differently, though of course I ‘know’ it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t just me, somehow I still feel that I should have done something different. And for that reason I can never stop giving myself a hard time.
Back then it was cold and hard, others that know some of it say it was ‘brutal’ but I have a hard time holding on to it all, it’s taken me so long to really see it, through all the fog, and some days it’s back in the fog, on others I just wish it away, and sometimes I feel it, raw and overwhelming.
I want to get better, to enjoy the life I have, which is frankly a good one, but the challenge of holding on to this stuff without the fog descending seems to difficult, I guess it comes down to small steps, sometimes such very small steps that they are barely discernable, and to the ‘cha cha’ dance of one step forward one, two or more steps back.
I just need to know I am making progress, to know that I am doing OK…………