Multiple voices

It all got a bit to much yesterday and I ended up hurting myself, not badly, but enough. It’s been so long since I have done that to myself, but it did help, in the short term that is, it relieved the spiralling mess of feelings and anxiety, though they did come back and are now whirling around and around and around….

I spent much of yesterday having an endless and circular argument with myself, there seem to be multiple voices in my head (is this what ‘crazy’ is I wonder), somewhere in there is the sane version of me, the one who knows that all things pass, that it will be OK, at least I really hope there is (holding on to that thought by a fingernail right now though).

But that voice is being drowned out just now by a multitude of others, some angry at me, some that are frightened, terrified maybe, and one that is very loud today, that just wants to walk away from everything.

I am in what I would term ‘a proper state’ today, not handling anything much very well at all.

The goals for today – to try to refrain form hurting myself again and hope no one at work figures out that I am a ‘crazy person’.


15 thoughts on “Multiple voices

  1. plf1990 says:

    Thanks for following my blog. I’m sorry to hear you feeling so bad, but this post really resonated with me and I feel your pain of trying to pretend so nobody else notices! Keep fighting. x

  2. Aife says:

    I am sorry you are hurting. Please stay safe.

  3. surviving here says:

    You’re not alone in feeling crazy with unsafe thoughts. Sometimes there aren’t words that can express how a person’s feeling when self-harm thoughts come. Sometimes the only thing is the relief a person feels after injuring themselves. I’m one of those people.
    It’s ok and just remember you’re not alone in this…

  4. Ben Naga says:

    “Like” isn’t right. But just to say you are read.

  5. Goose says:

    I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. It must be in the air. I might add though that pretending only adds to the problem. Stay well. We all will be awaiting to hear that things are looking up. Hang in there.

  6. Sharon says:

    I pick my scalp raw. I try to stop but I can’t. There is a release in it somehow….I wish I just sucked my thumb again because having bloody hair and a scabby scalp is embarrassing – but I can’t stop.

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