It all got a bit to much yesterday and I ended up hurting myself, not badly, but enough. It’s been so long since I have done that to myself, but it did help, in the short term that is, it relieved the spiralling mess of feelings and anxiety, though they did come back and are now whirling around and around and around….
I spent much of yesterday having an endless and circular argument with myself, there seem to be multiple voices in my head (is this what ‘crazy’ is I wonder), somewhere in there is the sane version of me, the one who knows that all things pass, that it will be OK, at least I really hope there is (holding on to that thought by a fingernail right now though).
But that voice is being drowned out just now by a multitude of others, some angry at me, some that are frightened, terrified maybe, and one that is very loud today, that just wants to walk away from everything.
I am in what I would term ‘a proper state’ today, not handling anything much very well at all.
The goals for today – to try to refrain form hurting myself again and hope no one at work figures out that I am a ‘crazy person’.