It’s been on the cards for a while, a question at the back of my mind, ‘what would I do if the ‘bad thing’ happened?’
Well it is happening now, and the last week or so has been almost impossible. I honestly don’t know how I got through it, stress at work, at home, a job interview and the ‘bad thing’.
Its not that I don’t want to share, but the ‘bad thing’ involves other people so I need to be careful what I say. Suffice it to say the ‘bad thing’ is one of those things that happens to everyone at some point, but for me it is bound up with family and family is very hard for me, at least parts of it are – this part particularly!
Yesterday was hard, there was an undercurrent of anxiety in the house, and that led to flaring tempers which always makes me feel bad, well frightened actually – completely unreasonably, I’m a grown up, I’m safe here (at least logic says I am, even if sometimes I don’t believe it), but the moment a voice gets raised I panic.
And to top it all off towards the end of yesterday I became aware of a very deep sense of loneliness. It makes little sense really, I have family here, and I love them, I have friends here and at the end of a phone or email, but it occurred to me that none of them really know me, most of them don’t know about the ‘bad thing’ all but 2 of them no nothing of my past, and those that do know, know bits, different and disconnected bits. In fact there is no one, save perhaps my therapist, that knows it all, and even then, there is stuff I have yet to share with him. But he knows all that others do, and perhaps a bit more.
But inside I feel alone, alone with all this, and while I have no real desire to share it all with others – what would they do with it after all? How would it help them to know? – I wished, just for a little while yesterday, that I could share the feelings without worrying what might happen, without being concerned as to how it would affect the other person. I know that that is what therapy is for, but I wonder is it enough for just one other person, a professional (albeit a nice one – but still), to know, and do I need my friends and close family to know – to see all of me, and to maybe then understand?
Watching the ‘bad thing’ unfold – surrounded but alone and anxious……….