Stressful doesn’t begin to describe the last few days, there was just to much to try and get my head round in one go, thank goodness I can compartmentalise. It’s not necessarily a healthy way of coping, but it is, at least, a way of coping.
I can play a role too, which is helpful, again not necessarily the most healthy strategy but it really helps in those tricky situations, and it serves to protect the really raw bits of me too.
It does make me think though – what on earth would I do if I didn’t have those strategies? New and different ones – possibly better and healthier ones – I guess, but it just makes me wonder if, without my strategies, I would literally cease to function. It’s a perennial fear of mine, just ceasing to function, becoming too overwhelmed to do or think anything.
It’s probably an irrational fear, but it’s very real and very big, maybe sometimes it would be OK to just to stop, maybe just to stay in bed for a day (even writing that makes me panic), stopping is not in my vocabulary, and well, if I have to be mean to myself to keep going then so be it.
Feeling rather wrung out today, a reaction to being so keyed up I expect. Honestly I would like to give myself a break and take the day off, but then, I wouldn’t be in control, it would be weak, so as ever I am just powering through………