Not a good day

I am not having a good day, that means two things, one – the urge to hurt myself is very strong, and two – I have a desperate need to control everything to try and get some felt sense of safety into my day.

So, having taken my other half through the things I ‘need’ him to do today – punctuated by comments such as ‘it’s my issue, but….’, ‘I know this is crazy, but…’, ‘It’s OK if you don’t want to – it’s not your job to make me feel better, but…’ he has settled a few things and gone out for a while to give me some space, some much needed predictable uninterrupted peace and quiet.

So now I’m alone, with a strong urge to harm myself, not that I will, I rarely do these days, it doesn’t help – I know that, but the urge is very powerful at times, powerful and familiar.

I do think I am getting better overall, feeling a bit more stable for much of the time, but on days like today I feel turned inside out, raw and exposed, wearing my ‘crazy’ on my sleeve, needing so much energy to stay in control, to calmly ask for what I need to help me feel safe.

And as for tomorrow, if this feeling subsides by then, I will be hard on myself, left with a deep guilt and and intense feeling of failure, both for not being OK and for trying to make those I care about, make me feel better by following my rules (rules that I know are unnecessary when I am feeling OK).

But for now, if the world around me could just be the way I need it to be, so I can feel safe and in control, I might be OK…….


9 thoughts on “Not a good day

  1. risinghawk says:

    You WILL be OK, despite the strong feelings that tell you otherwise. I’ve dealt with many of those same feelings myself over many years, including the “guilt hangover.” You aren’t weaker just because your feelings are different than other people – we are who we are – and whether anyone “gets” that or not is irrelevant. You are you, challenges and all, and that’s that. Kudos to you for having the courage to ask for what you need at times like this. You are safe, and all will be well. I wish you peace. Namaste . . .

  2. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself……..I hope you feel better soon!

  3. Ben Naga says:

    One day at a time. After all, that’s how it is.
    Guilt tomorrow? But if you were simply being yourself today, then why is there need for quilt?

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