I am not having a good day, that means two things, one – the urge to hurt myself is very strong, and two – I have a desperate need to control everything to try and get some felt sense of safety into my day.
So, having taken my other half through the things I ‘need’ him to do today – punctuated by comments such as ‘it’s my issue, but….’, ‘I know this is crazy, but…’, ‘It’s OK if you don’t want to – it’s not your job to make me feel better, but…’ he has settled a few things and gone out for a while to give me some space, some much needed predictable uninterrupted peace and quiet.
So now I’m alone, with a strong urge to harm myself, not that I will, I rarely do these days, it doesn’t help – I know that, but the urge is very powerful at times, powerful and familiar.
I do think I am getting better overall, feeling a bit more stable for much of the time, but on days like today I feel turned inside out, raw and exposed, wearing my ‘crazy’ on my sleeve, needing so much energy to stay in control, to calmly ask for what I need to help me feel safe.
And as for tomorrow, if this feeling subsides by then, I will be hard on myself, left with a deep guilt and and intense feeling of failure, both for not being OK and for trying to make those I care about, make me feel better by following my rules (rules that I know are unnecessary when I am feeling OK).
But for now, if the world around me could just be the way I need it to be, so I can feel safe and in control, I might be OK…….