Today is a bad day, too much ambiguity, too many things I just can’t get my head round, nothing feels safe, and the desire to hurt myself is very powerful today.
I can’t do this any more, can’t keep feeling like this. Why does it have to be so damn hard, maybe not being at work, having time on my hands is just not helpful, I have caught up on some sleep, but it’s not enough, I’m still exhausted, and wishing it would all just go away.
For the first time for a long time I am seriously considering medication, for what I am not sure, perhaps to help me sleep, or to help numb this crippling anxiety, or maybe just to balance my mood, if I’m not anxious I am depressed, there is nothing else.
The world is not black and white, but black and red, tears feel close just now, but I don’t cry, I never really have, not since my teenage years, when that was all I had, that and the cutting. I don’t cut anymore, it would raise to many questions, and it’s no longer something I can hide, but I can hurt myself in other ways, just to relieve the feelings, to make the world feel predictable again, just for a little while.
When did it get this hard? When will it be enough, when will I get to stop fighting, to stop seeking redemption?
Will I ever get better?