Today is a bad day, too much ambiguity, too many things I just can’t get my head round, nothing feels safe, and the desire to hurt myself is very powerful today.

I can’t do this any more, can’t keep feeling like this. Why does it have to be so damn hard, maybe not being at work, having time on my hands is just not helpful, I have caught up on some sleep, but it’s not enough, I’m still exhausted, and wishing it would all just go away.

For the first time for a long time I am seriously considering medication, for what I am not sure, perhaps to help me sleep, or to help numb this crippling anxiety, or maybe just to balance my mood, if I’m not anxious I am depressed, there is nothing else.

The world is not black and white, but black and red, tears feel close just now, but I don’t cry, I never really have, not since my teenage years, when that was all I had, that and the cutting. I don’t cut anymore, it would raise to many questions, and it’s no longer something I can hide, but I can hurt myself in other ways, just to relieve the feelings, to make the world feel predictable again, just for a little while.

When did it get this hard? When will it be enough, when will I get to stop fighting, to stop seeking redemption?

Will I ever get better?


2 thoughts on “Hurting

  1. Chantell says:

    I’m sorry life is so rough for you at the moment….I feel for you, I have been where you are, have felt that horrible urge to hurt myself, and no doubt it will come back to me again at some point 😦 Life with depression and anxiety, particularly when they are severe and seem to take over your life, can be very tough…For me, personally, medication does help to life me out of those very low periods, or at least, I am able to pick myself up a little bit faster than I would otherwise…I am sure if I was not on meds, I would be back in hospital….It is a difficult choice for you to make, and I don’t mean to influence you one way or the other ~ there are pros and cons to medication, as I’m sure you know…Maybe just speaking to a Dr or reading up on some of the more common meds might help you decide? Hang in there, I hope you are feeling a bit brighter soon 🙂

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