Need to fix it…..

Finally on leave, the first proper leave since Christmas, utterly shattered, and stuck in my anxious place, thinking I really should be working, so much to do, etc.

My thoughts tonight are somewhat manic, need to fix the thing that is wrong with me, but first I need to figure out what that is, it feels like it could be so many things, but I need to fix it, to just do something – identify the problem, make a plan and fix the problem, evaluate/review etc.

My therapist remains adamant that there is nothing wrong with me, that I should be proud of my ‘achievements’ and that I just need to be kinder to myself, but honestly, that makes so little sense to me. I need to  do something, to take action, to make whatever changes, but just to do something, something that might start to fix it, just something.

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2 thoughts on “Need to fix it…..

  1. risinghawk says:

    My therapist tells me the same thing! I had a revelation of sorts about it in the last few days. One of the great sources of my anxiety is that everything I do is usually attached to the idea that something is broken and must be fixed. With that mindset, one wants to retreat because “failing” would mean that there is something wrong with you – and that is too great a risk for the mind/ego to take. I couldn’t go for a walk, because I had to walk as fast and as hard as possible, because I had to get “better,” instead of just going for a walk to go for a walk. The idea that we aren’t “right” means everything we do has the whole world riding on it . . .too much pressure. Peace…

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