It’s been an emotional weekend. I’ve been thinking lots about fault, like many others who experienced what I did, I have a hard time accepting that it wasn’t my fault (it’s hard to even type the words).
I mean I get it on a logical level, of course I do. But deep down, really deep down, I know it was my fault, due to some flaw in me, or something that I did or didn’t do, or both. And I know this to be true, and honestly I don’t think anyone can convince me otherwise logic doesn’t apply here, because I should have been better, different, tried harder or something, not like others who really weren’t at fault, but for me, it’s different. I know how crazy that sounds but it is how it is.
It was my fault, because of the fault in me, something deeply flawed. And now, I am not that child any more – I stopped being her along time ago, that way no one needs to know how very bad I/she was, and I can continue seeking that elusive redemption for all that I/she got wrong.