It’s been an emotional weekend. I’ve been thinking lots about fault, like many others who experienced what I did, I have a hard time accepting that it wasn’t my fault (it’s hard to even type the words).

I mean I get it on a logical level, of course I do. But deep down, really deep down, I know it was my fault, due to some flaw in me, or something that I did or didn’t do, or both. And I know this to be true, and honestly I don’t think anyone can convince me otherwise logic doesn’t apply here, because I should have been better, different, tried harder or something, not like others who really weren’t at fault, but for me, it’s different. I know how crazy that sounds but it is how it is.

It was my fault, because of the fault in me, something deeply flawed. And now, I am not that child any more – I stopped being her along time ago, that way no one needs to know how very bad I/she was, and I can continue seeking that elusive redemption for all that I/she got wrong.



9 thoughts on “Flawed

  1. minn70 says:

    I can relate to this post so much. This has been the topic of many therapy sessions for me and despite all the logic that gets thrown at me my feelings on the matter remain the same.

  2. risinghawk says:

    “I know it was my fault.” You “know” nothing of the kind; you have merely assumed the blame to carry on your shoulders, when no blame need be assigned . . . to anyone. Things happen. You may just as well take the credit for Earth remaining in its orbit. That all sounds harsh and unfeeling . . . but I am neither. If you don’t give yourself a break, then no one else will ever truly “measure up,” either. It is compassion that leads me to write this, and I hope that you can one day walk away from the falsehood of self-blame. Namaste . . .

  3. Paul Chi says:

    A holocaust survivor holds my hand and says “I’m sorry” over and over… I’m sorry too. Who is at fault if not me? And who is to be forgiven if not me? YOU…

  4. You are clearly a very intelligent person, with many insights. If you were reading this post on someone else’s blog you’d tell them that you understand that they went through a hard time and that it’s natural to try to seek causality but that sometimes you simply must give yourself a break. Some things are not and cannot ever be your fault.

  5. Wombat says:

    I feel for you. It’s something I’m also struggling with. The idea that if I’d just coped better with X, or done Y, or not done Z, I would be fine and normal and not have all the issues that I have to deal with. When my brain decides to go down that path, there’s not a lot I can do to stop it. It’s just this aching feeling that I’m what’s wrong with me. I hear that it’s not true, but it doesn’t sink in. Maybe tomorrow will be better, for both of us/

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