Falling apart

A very bad day today, things feel like they are falling apart, home, work, and now my body, my mind fell apart a long time ago, my ability to hide that though is slipping away along with everything else.
I wonder how much one person is supposed to have to take, and in it all I feel so very alone, I assume that is my fault, after all I don’t trust people, so I work hard not to let them in, the result is I’m alone with my fears and anxieties, with the disturbing dreams at night time and the random images that flash into my mind at the most inconvenient times that set me into an internal out of control spin while trying hard to look like I’m fine.
I guess the reality is I’m not alone, but I can’t put these things into words, I draw, which helps to get the images out of my head, it takes some of the fear away, but they are just replaced by new images.
I had a deeply disturbing dream last night that has left me very shaken, and feeling wobbly, but I can’t remember it properly, just flashes and an overwhelming fear that keeps welling up.
And today my body has let me down, a massive flare up of my arthritis leaving me in a lot of pain and struggling to manage to do anything.

Right now I just feel very unsafe *sigh*.

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4 thoughts on “Falling apart

  1. risinghawk says:

    I am sorry to hear this, and to know that you are having such a day. It is small comfort but, at least know that this is but a day, and like the stock market, “past performance is not a guarantee of future results.” It is my earnest hope that your day improves by the moment, and tomorrow finds the sky to be brighter for you. Namaste . . .

  2. waclements says:

    I’m trying to think of something that doesn’t sound trite, because when you’re having these feelings, just about everything feels trite when someone else says it. I’ve had days like this too. It’s taken a very long time of dealing with my mental illness (28 years, and only the last twenty three or so of those on any sort of active level) to finally truly accept that I have mental illness, which sounds funny. I had another diagnoses added in, Cognitive Disorder NOS, to add to all my other diagnoses and numbers, and that’s when it really start to sink in. I’ve been dealing with this over half my life, but I’ve only started to think of it in the sense of a ‘disability’ since I’m going to vocational rehab to try to get a job that fits what I can do since the thing I had been doing–working with children with disabilities–wasn’t working anymore. It’s a program for people with disabilities. I’m going to a group for people with disabilities. Society doesn’t like mental illness because it isn’t something they can see or touch, they don’t understand it, therefore they can just pretend it isn’t there. It doesn’t make anything you’re feeling less real, less painful, less meaningful to you, or hurt less. I think people are afraid of it, and when people are afraid of something, they push it away.

    It’s good that you’re in therapy. At the moment I’m in therapy, for the moment, but I lost my insurance when I quit my job, which I decided was still the better deal. I got a card for my prescriptions at a cheaper price on the Oregon state Health and human services page–the ODPD program.

    Depression is hard because it makes you not want to do anything, but in order to feel somewhat better you have to get out and do something. My psychiatrist always tells me to exercise and go for walks. I don’t and she knows I don’t when she asks me. I am on quite a few meds right now, which I protested a lot at first, but now that I feel pretty much on an even keel most of the time, I accept. Chemical imbalances aren’t my fault. I also have a generalized anxiety disorder, so home is safe to me, as well, especially when I was having panic attacks. I haven’t for a little over twenty years, because I still take the medication for them, but the new situation I’m in now makes me a little anxious and I feel myself coming close, so home is even more attractive a prospect than ever.

    I haven’t read through all of your archives–are you taking anything to help with your depression? Sometimes it takes a while to find the right thing. I was on a large dose of lithium at one point and started hallucinating a little, seeing people and tentacles coming around my computer screen. That didn’t work so well. I did get used to the tentacles, they weren’t malevolent (I don’t think), but in general I don’t like hallucinating. So that was out. Being stable is important, and I know a lot of people don’t like being on meds–there are some that you do eventually get used to any side effects or don’t have as many–I’m on the generic Wellbutrin XL right now. I was at a meeting for Voc Rehab, sitting next to a young man who also has generalized anxiety disorder, and the medicine I take for that, clonazepam, which I’ve taken for over twenty years and has always worked, didn’t work at all for him. People are incredibly different.

    I thought things would never get better. There will always be bad days, so anyone who tells you there won’t be, back away from slowly. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Check out your local NAMI branch. I’m supposed to go to mine to find out about therapy and other local resources. I keep chickening out, but I still need to do it. Sometime this week. I feel anxious about it. I think my e-mail is on my web page (at first I typed pate, which made me think of a bald man with a spider web tattooed on his head–he could put a spider on there with sticky tack and make it a real 3D experience). I think I’ve managed to keep from diverging too much except for the spider bit.

    Take care of yourself. Depression is something that decides it’s going to tag along for a while, with or without your permission; it’s not who you are, it is not a reflection of how “worthy” you are as a human being, you didn’t do anything to ‘deserve’ it. You didn’t DO anything. You’re just wired a little differently, and I’m betting that also makes you a kinder and more caring human being. But before you can take care of other people, you have to take care of yourself, which is a hard thing to truly realize as fact.

    I am going on again. I really do have to compliment you on figuring out this gradient change thing with the background–I used this one when I first started and never realized that could be done. It’s really cool. 🙂

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