A very bad day today, things feel like they are falling apart, home, work, and now my body, my mind fell apart a long time ago, my ability to hide that though is slipping away along with everything else.
I wonder how much one person is supposed to have to take, and in it all I feel so very alone, I assume that is my fault, after all I don’t trust people, so I work hard not to let them in, the result is I’m alone with my fears and anxieties, with the disturbing dreams at night time and the random images that flash into my mind at the most inconvenient times that set me into an internal out of control spin while trying hard to look like I’m fine.
I guess the reality is I’m not alone, but I can’t put these things into words, I draw, which helps to get the images out of my head, it takes some of the fear away, but they are just replaced by new images.
I had a deeply disturbing dream last night that has left me very shaken, and feeling wobbly, but I can’t remember it properly, just flashes and an overwhelming fear that keeps welling up.
And today my body has let me down, a massive flare up of my arthritis leaving me in a lot of pain and struggling to manage to do anything.
Right now I just feel very unsafe *sigh*.