I’m a people pleaser, it’s never really worried me in the past, but lately I’ve been wondering what it might be like to stop feeling like I have to please others so much? If I could just get passed feeling panicked when those around me get angry or upset about something, I might have a chance.
I’d really love to walk into a room of people and not actually worry about working out what they were thinking and feeling, maybe to do so without my usual process of clocking the escape routes too, could be good, I think that might be liberating and in some ways might help me find people slightly less exhausting to be around.
My therapist did suggest recently that most people are safe, I am yet to be convinced after all no place with people in it feels safe to me, people are unpredictable, I think it’s also true that I put myself in unsafe situations more than I need to, perhaps to ensure I have ongoing evidence of how unsafe people actually are.
I wonder what it must be like to have a internal belief or assumption of being safe, I have tried to think if there actually is anyone with whom I really do feel safe, the outcome, unfortunately is no. There are people with whom I feel ‘less unsafe’, but the truth is that I just don’t know what it is to feel safe, with anyone or in any place.
Maybe one day I will find a safe place, a sanctuary, and maybe if I’m lucky there might be people there who feel truly safe…..