I find talking about myself to be very difficult, this is a bit of a problem in therapy, since talking about oneself is kind of the point.
I am very good at avoiding talking about me in my day to day life, after all most people are very happy to talk about themselves so moving the conversation that way is simple, if not I can usually distract the one I am speaking with by dropping in an academic or theoretical point, one that may well press their buttons, which again makes it easier, they often forget what we were talking about completely which is frankly a godsend.
In therapy it’s harder, there was a time when I could successfully distract my therapist, I think it works less well now, though I do still try and occasionally succeed. I guess it’s my way of communicating that I’m finding talking about whatever it is too difficult, that it’s making me feel unsafe. Maybe that’s why he goes with it sometimes, who knows, I’m not about to start trying to figure out how a therapists brain works, I have enough trouble with my own.
So much going on at the moment, so many things I’m just at the edge of, so many fears about going there, it’s so hard to think about taking the leap, to properly open up, to let myself feel the feelings, without trying to stop them.
I hate my feelings, they are messy and out of control, a big part of me thinks they are bad, very, very bad. I guess my history means I don’t trust my feelings, or the response I might get, and after all why would I – punished for expressing anything, for thinking anything other than what was deemed ‘acceptable’ and what was ‘acceptable’ changed on a minute by minute basis anyway.
Things feel like a confusing mess, muddling what limited brain capacity I have at the moment, the question going round my head right now – was my life better without feelings? I think the jury is still out on that one. Not sure I could get back there now anyway.
In the mean time I’m helpless, being engulfed by the mess of my ‘almost’ feelings that leave me utterly beffudled.
Still at least I get to use the word ‘befuddled’ 🙂