It’s been a bad weekend, well a bad few weeks really. I am so careful, so guarded, that when I slip it hurts and feels devastating, twice in 3 days I have lost control, last nights was the worse, I said something I have never said before, and now we are behaving as if all is normal, yet how can it be normal, I guess we are just sweeping it under the carpet, the abiding strategy of this family. I should be grateful, I never wanted to say it anyway to anyone ever, but it hasn’t gone away, I can see it in his eyes, the fear and the worry.
The urge to run away is very strong today, to just disappear, I want to just walk away from it all but I can never get away from the emptiness inside, and it is deep and dark, there is nothing there, no beautiful but damaged inner child, no deep feelings, just nothingness, I am all surface, an empty shell, a reflection of what others around me need me to be, I was built that way, painstakingly built by an abusive and narcissistic parent to be less than nothing.
How can you heal emptiness? This is not some existential angst, some realisation of how small we all are, I already knew that. But now I know too, that my friendships and relationships are a sham, there is nothing in me that can relate to others, I have always struggled to understand feelings and emotions, and now I know why.
In the middle of the emptiness there is fear, fear of what this means of what the future holds. There is nothing inside, nothing that can be redeemed And in the midst of this emptiness I can see it clearly now, I’m just not real………..