I have been spending time this week wondering where the voice has gone – you know the one, the one that tells me I’m rubbish, worthless and that I always get it wrong. I think it’s still there but it’s muted, I caught myself for the first time ever – when something went wrong yesterday – thinking ‘well that’s not my fault’.
It’s refreshing, looking outside for the reason, rather than figuring that somehow I must have messed up. I feel oddly more in control too, despite definitely not being in control – apparently giving up the ‘illusion of control’ leads to feeling more in control – it’s weird, but seems to be true.
The other voices come through more now, the one that very occasionally suggests that I should be gentle with myself, that it’s OK to feel a certain way, and that it will turn out OK, the angry voices too come up more – especially the one that’s angry about what happened to me, she can get quite loud at times, but I guess that’s part of the journey.
Allowing feelings – all very new, and sometimes scary, sometimes it feels like I’m breaking down, but it does pass, it gets easier – at least that is what I’m told. Maybe my therapists gentle ways and tenderness are rubbing off on me at long last.
Here’s to some head space over the Christmas break – a chance to be still for a while at least, maybe a chance to re-evaluate my priorities and think about what is really important to me for 2013, who knows.
Must resist the urge to fill the time with busyness and activity, this is a time for stillness and gentleness (oh and some partying of course!).