Therapists talk about the ‘flight into health’ for me it’s more of a retreat to safety. Whenever I get close to sharing the next bit, I want to run away from the world, from everything and everyone.
16 months into therapy and I want to run away again, this morning I am convinced I will quit when I see my therapist tomorrow, I was pretty sure I was going to quit last week, but I didn’t. Is it that I’m getting close to the core of the painful stuff? After all I very nearly cried last week in session, and I don’t cry!
Maybe it’s that I am scared to face it, maybe it just feels unsafe, maybe he is pushing me more to focus on the painful stuff, he certainly has stopped rescuing me from those dangerous silences that terrify me, maybe I should tell him, but that would involve acknowledging the fear, showing some weakness and I don’t do that either, besides, he’d just ask ‘why?’ or say ‘it’s understandable’ and I don’t know what to do with either of those responses. Maybe too, he would say I’m being hard on myself, and it’s OK to feel this way, but it doesn’t feel OK.
I want to run away, I want to be alone, where none of this matters any more, where I can sink into the blackness of my depression and just let it take me. I want to be where no one asks me if I’m OK, because, honestly, I’m not OK, but I know I have to be OK, so every which way I look at it I’m screwed.
Anxious, anxious, anxious me!