Its been a long week, and it’s not even halfway through. I guess that is just how it is with depression and anxiety. Good days, where you live in fear of the bad days, bad days where you can’t even imagine the possibility of a good day. Sometimes it just feels endless.
This week I am feeling haunted, by fragments from the past and shadows of the future. I have found myself spending more time thinking about the me that I was, when I was younger, mostly at three different points, when I was 4, when I was around 11, and when I was 15, they are all very different and somehow seem unconnected, to have their own unique persons, persons that bear little resemblance to each other or, indeed to the me that I am now.
Fragmented is the best word to describe them, and I guess by default the best way to describe myself. Each of them had a potential future, and none of them feel like me.
Each of them had so many choices and potential futures, and I find myself wondering what they might have become. I guess they ultimately became each other and then me but it doesn’t feel that straightforward, they are separate, haunting me, teasing me with what might have been if…….
I wonder a lot about the future, perhaps by reclaiming them, and all that comes with that, my future might be more complete. In the short term I guess by reclaiming them I will have to face their feelings, the ones I buried, and that feels overwhelming. They demand my attention, each in a different way.
Integration, is it possible, and is it what I want………….?