A weekend watching movies curled up by the fire, and the recurring theme of redemption is played out again and again against a backdrop of Hollywood stories. It leads me to thinking of my own need for redemption. It is a need that runs very deeply within me, and yet, it is not redemption for myself that I seek, but for those things that were done to me.
At least, on a day like today, when I am feeling ‘mostly sane’, I know it is not my fault, that I don’t need to redeem myself, that it is those that hurt me, that must seek their own redemption.
But the days where I feel like this are few and far between, on the bad days I feel like I will never be able to do enough to make up for my failings, which, on those days, go endlessly round my head growing in magnitude and volume until I loose myself in a spiral of bad thoughts.
These films look at second chances, opportunities to make up for the bad things we have done, and no one is without fault, we are all human and make mistakes, but on my bad days, I cannot see any good in me, I can only focus on the bad.
I have spent my life caring for others, and still it is not enough, I am not enough. I am in need of redemption yet it is something I that I will never find as, for today at least I know, it is not my own redemption I seek.