Time moves on, one weeks crisis soon fades, often as a new one presents itself, but just sometimes there are a few days where things just seem OK.
I find at these times that I don’t really know what to do with myself, I know that inside a part of me is still a bundle of fury, another part is a sobbing mess, but somehow, when all is just ‘OK’ in the outside world they seem to fade into the background, ready to leap out at the least provocation and send me into a spiral of negativity and sometimes despair. I find myself stuck in this kind of liminal time, waiting, waiting on the edge for the next disaster to reveal itself, to rock my equilibrium.
These are the precious times, when I should be able to relax, to maybe think about enjoying life, but instead I am trapped in a web of fear, anxiously waiting…..
What a thing mental illness is, I guess this is what makes it so hard for other people to understand, I plod on with my daily life, hiding all this stuff inside, and yet desperate for support and an acknowledgement of just how hard it is to even put one foot out of the house, but I remain trapped by fears of judgement, that people will forever treat me as fragile and weak, should they find out about my struggles.
I am strong, I must be, as just getting on with life requires herculean strength, but I am trapped in a seemingly endless spiral.
Maybe one day I will find my way out…….