I think like many people I have spent my life seeking a safe place, the experiences of my childhood make that very hard. I see no safety anywhere, I tried the church, a new family of ‘choice’, and with many other people and in many different places. Now I seek it in my therapists office, and still after a year of work, I am yet to find the sanctuary I seek, that place of wholeness and peace.
The theories say that for me, like many others, it will remain elusive, that my brain is wired to avoid attachments and to be wary of people and places, and that to change that will take considerable time and work, it will be a long struggle but it may be that one day I will find what I am seeking.
Closeness terrifies me, self reliance has been my way for well over 30 years, and the result is the depression that at times cripples me, and anxiety that simply overwhelms me.
I have to believe that there is a way out, not just for me, but for my husband and the others that I love, who struggle with my moods, my fears, my need to control. I have to believe that there is a way out, and try to hold onto that belief when I am overwhelmed and terrified, when I am in the grip of the darkness.
One day I may find my sanctuary, but for now, for an hour a week, I will struggle to avoid the closeness, the relentless ‘there-ness’ of my therapist, even as I try to push him away. For an hour a week, I will struggle, in the safe space of his office that I cannot let myself trust, just yet.