It’s been a while since I posted. The gap reflects an awful time that has now passed.
A new job, a better sense of myself and space to reflect are the reward.
It’s true that the wounds of the first 8 months of the year cut deep, deep enough to dig out the pain of many years ago. But now there is time to reflect, to see that I am a different person. One who can look after herself, who knows she doesn’t have to be a helpless victim. I can fight and I can win. I am no longer a helpless, isolated child. I am a resilient and tenacious woman who can muster resources and support. No longer alone.
From testing the water with long trusted friends and colleagues, I have progressed to talking to extended family. In doing so I am gaining a new understanding of what happened. Of how it was for others to witness, others who felt helpless to intervene. And while I am still angry that they didn’t help me I can accept the apology and the regret.
What I no longer have is doubt that it happened, the records spell it out and I have read it. It happened to me, not some ‘other’ child. Seeing it written down makes it real in a raw and deeply agonising way.
It was real. It was vile. And she has alot to answer for. But she did not win. I have a great job, fantastic friends and a wonderful family of choice. She has forfeited her right to her children and grandchildren by her actions.
It will take more time to process and it will hurt more than I can imagine, and I am afraid of that.
But I know that I will be OK – one day…….