Well it’s not working like this. Have I reached a turning point? Who knows but it’s not working like this.
The pointlessness of contunuing this way is self evident. And yet I feel no desire to try to be different.
The way things are now at least make some kind of sense. Why would it be different? People like me don’t get the luxury of safety and security, we must be ever vigilant. Every success will be punished – after all who am I to deserve otherwise.
For now the best I can do is hold on tight to what I know, to push the pain away and just work through the exhaustion.
I had hope once, that things might be different but now I know, that was arrogant of me. To assume that anything else was possible, to think I might deserve better. Well I know different now and I won’t make that mistake again.
If I was alone, not responsible for anyone else, I would disappear. Just walk away. Maybe then it would end and I could have peace. But for now I must pretend to fight and I guess in a way, in doing so I will dissapear……..