The last six weeks have felt like a living hell. But I am getting through it.
Facing a situation that triggered so much from my childhood has been deeply painful – it continues to be that way.
But I have held my ground, actually taken care of myself – for the first time in years – and in doing that I have started to face down the monsters in my mind.
The small part of me is terrified, why wouldn’t she be? Abused as a child and ignored and punished by me for many years, she doesn’t feel safe. She doesn’t trust me not to turn on her.
I hope that I won’t go back to that place again. That I can help that small part feel safe again one day. It will take time and practice to grow through this but what I know now, is that pulling back the curtain on the wizard is possible, and so maybe one day I can stand up to the real monster who has overshadowed my life and finally move on from the fear. I’m not there yet, but the more I stand up for myself today, the easier it may become.
For now the fallout will continue, and I will learn what I can, and with luck, grow through the experience.
It is getting better……..maybe I am too.