Today is difficult, there is so much going on, so much uncertainty. I am not in control of what is happening, to myself or to others and I am really struggling.
It’s also Time to Talk day – and I feel a degree of guilt for not coming clean about my mental health struggles with those who work with me, I think we are all struggling, but no one will say anything, it’s a sign of weakness and right now weakness is not tolerated.
As a leader and manager I wonder if I bear some responsibility for that culture, after all I cannot tolerate what I see as my own weakness in this, though I do see it differently when others are struggling.
The next months are going to be tough, I don’t know if I am up to handling it.
As much as I hate to admit it, it really is too much just now.
My feelings are weighing heavy today. They are so loud in my head. They are bad today. They make me want to hurt myself. I try not to do that anymore though.
My therapist said he was here for my feelings, he said I am split inside. But I just want my feelings to go away. Life would be easier without them, though I know that is not possible.
I know that I don’t want to be like this anymore, that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just need to know what is wrong with me, to know what I should have done to change what happened, and then I can fix it so I’m not wrong anymore.
It was not a good weekend, it started on Friday with a feeling of fedupness, and just descended from there. Into the void of whirling thoughts, anxiety and that voice that reminds me how rubbish I am took over. It’s relentless.
I feel like a blinking yo-yo and the moment what I wouldn’t give for a few days of just being OK, neither uberanxious or desperately depressed.
I could say more but it would turn into an Eeyoresque miseryfest.
I do not like this
But then on the plus side this post has many made up words and I do like to make up words.
It’s been an enlightening weekend. Following a few difficult weeks full of anxiety my Therapist suggested I ‘do something to look after yourself this weekend – doesn’t matter what as long as it’s just for you’. Well therein lies a minefield, one I was totally unaware of.
Well OK, I thought, that’s easy enough, I just have to remember to do something. But when I really started to think about it I got stuck – seems that though I do things I enjoy – cooking, making things, etc. I can only let myself do these things if there is a reason outside of myself. Cooking for the family, making things for friends and family, and worse than that, when I really thought about it, it turns out I don’t really enjoy some of the things I do as much as I had thought, I just like the way they make others feel.
We also discussed things I didn’t need to do (chores etc.) and while I did resist the urge to clean this weekend, I now feel very very guilty about it – I said I would and I do.
There it is, I can do fun things, but only if it’s what someone else wants to do or if I can do it for someone else.
Now I’m stuck with a whirling question of what I would do if I could do absolutely anything and I can’t answer that question, because there is no way to know what the answer should be.
Back to the endless perfectionist cycle of ‘I don’t know what is right so I can’t make a decision’.
Anxiety, it’s always there in the background, I worry all the time about every possible thing, and indeed every impossible thing and it’s exhausting.
The last week has been full of anxiety and worry for no rational reason, well maybe a couple of rational reasons, but mostly the worry is irrational.
I used to be able to control the anxiety to make it go away to disappear but these days nothing works, it just comes and overwhelms me. It’s not an existential angst, I have very few fears about death or of being alone, it’s more a deep seated anguish that twists me into knots and makes doing anything about it impossible.
It is however very cruel and sometimes feels endless, I know it passes, to be replaced by the next group of worries, if I’m lucky I get a few days relatively worry free, but this is rare, if my mind is not occupied with current anxieties it reverts to things from my past, often long distant and irrelevant, sometimes the worries come from the painful times in my past, but mostly they are things I did wrong, or things I imagine that I did wrong or that I should have done better.
I’m tired of feeling like this I don’t want to accept that this is how it is, I want to stop having these ridiculous fears and anxieties, to stop being a crazy person.
I'm a woman in my 40's and finally feeling that I know who I am and why I am, I would like to share the shadows from my life. Having got here fairly intact and along the way found the ability to take a step back and see things more clearly it is my hope that perhaps by blogging I may help others through their own dark places.