Well it was bound to happen, I was expecting it, but the impact, that I hadn’t prepared for.
As of today I am to all intense and purpose an orphan. Don’t get me wrong, they are still alive, but they have cut me out of their life. I knew this would come, but somehow I feel cheated. Cheated of the opportunity to call them on the stuff that happened when I was small.
In some ways it’s better this way, now there is no route back, no chance of an adult relationship with them – I am in many ways liberated. Liberated to ‘come out’ to say openly what happened. No more need to keep up appearances. And yet it’s the ultimate of rejections, there have been many in my life time, but it’s only recently I recognised them.
This could of course be one final desperate ‘head f***’, if it is, it has worked. I have no need to keep my name any more, it means nothing. I have been well and truly abandoned.
Does this mean my life has been meaningless, it feels like it, so many years desperate for the approval and love that any child needs, so many years wasted trying to be what she wanted me to be, so many years trying and failing as goal post moved constantly, the physical stuff I could handle, the emotional stuff runs deep, I am scarred, damaged, broken.
Life feels hopeless today, why keep fighting to stay sane, to stay alive, what is left….
And to top it all she still cannot see what she did.